You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
did i just pee glitter
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