I puked a lego.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
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Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
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I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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