I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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