He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
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Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
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I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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