South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
