We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
