Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
