What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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