she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I love having hate sex.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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