2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
