He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
