Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
