I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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