So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
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