my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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