Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
