If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
