this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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