i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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