Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
