What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
