Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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