My first STD was from a foam party
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
