I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
