i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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