Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
