I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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