If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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