Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
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The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
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I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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