How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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