i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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