ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
you had me at cake vodka
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
