The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
