Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
