i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
