I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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