I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
