I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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