I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
