Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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