new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
