Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
