Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
