I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
