No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
