there's paper in my vomit.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
