I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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