She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
