Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
