If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
