god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
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He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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