A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
